I don’t know anymore.
I can no longer tell the difference between losing my mind and losing my ability to trust you.
Somehow, they feel the same.
It feels like I’m trapped in a room,
vast, hollow, and swallowed by darkness.
A room so dark that I can no longer see the walls, the way out, or even the person I’ve become
I’m trying to find the door.
Oh God, I really do.
But everytime I take a step forward, I fall into another hole,
surrounded by blades I never see coming.
And the air, it’s filled with something poisonous.
The harder I try to breathe, the more I feel myself falling apart.
Is it wrong that I want to escape?
I know, a part of me still believes in you.
I want to trust your words without questioning them,
to hold your promises without wondering when they’ll break,
to love you without feeling like I have to protect myself from the very thing I’ve been longing for?
I want to believe that this time, things can be different.
I want to stop looking for danger in every silence,
stop searching for cracks in every promise,
stop treating every uncertainty like warning that something terrible is about to happen.
But how do I silence the fear when the pain I remember is real?
Maybe the poison was there long before you.
Maybe your mistakes only awakened the wounds i never truly healed.
Every time I try to explain what scares me, I end up feeling like I’ve done something wrong.
So, I swallow my words, side my fears, and suffer in silence,
afraid that my wounds will become yours to carry too.
Sometimes, I wonder if it’s already too late for me.
If the poison has spread too far,
if these walls have stood for too long,
if I’ve been lost in this darkness for so many years that I’ve forgotten what it feels like to live without fears.
I wish,
I wish you could save me.
But, what if in trying to save me you slowly lose pieces of yourself?
What if my fear becomes a burden you can no longer bear?
I don’t want you to pay for every wound i carry.
But I can’t pretend that you never left a scar, either.
I’ve lost you once.
I don’t want to lose you again.
So here I am,
wanting you to stay,
yet terrified that my fears will become the reason you leave.
I just wish you could hold my hand while I learn to trust you again,
while we learn to heal what happened between us and what it awakened within me.
Because I want to believe in you.
I want to believe in us.
Ditulis oleh Bernadhet Felicita Laurent Azwar
Diedit oleh Diandra Wafiyatunnisa
Didesain oleh Fahira Khairunisa
